It has been called to my attention that I do not adequately inform the reader that there will be spoilers in the following text, so please, let there be no mistake: I will absolutely spoil this episode starting with the next paragraph.
As if to make up for last week’s debacle, this turned out to be one of the most entertaining fight cards in the history of the show. Yeah, it was that good. There were a couple of duds, but even those had their moments. Let’s get down to it, boppers!
Fight 1: Rotator v. Valkyrie
This one promised to be wild, as both bots opted for similar configurations. Rotator went with a low bar spinner on the front and a big armored wedge on the back. It was slightly different than the one they used to beat Tombstone, as they needed to save a little weight to use the 30 lb. bar instead of the 20 lb. version. Valkyrie, as always, went with a low-mounted spinner, although they unveiled a new weapon, a three-pronged almost star-shaped affair.
Victor Soto kept Rotator’s armored backside aimed at Valkyrie as much as possible, working on the theory that Valkyrie would eventually run out of steam or injure itself. That was a pretty reasonable bet, but it didn’t happen this time. Both bots’ weapons kept going for almost the entire three minutes, meaning that there was an unprecedented number of hits and there was a constant stream of sparks in the battlebox.
Rotator had the early edge, getting under Valkyrie and causing it’s weapon to strike the box, but as the fight wore on, Valkyrie got cagier and managed to keep its wheels on the floor and started landing even bigger hits than it was taking. Eventually, the entire back wedge and right side of Rotator were torn off, while Valkyrie’s left armor plate was badly beaten.
It was three full minutes of hit after hit after hit and it was exactly the kind of fight everyone hoped for but no one expected. The judges unanimously called it for Valkyrie, leaving Leanne Cushing’s bot at 2-0 while Rotator fell to 1-2 with its only win coming against Tombstone.
Winner: Valkyrie (Unanimous decision)
Fight 2: Extinguisher v. Gigabyte
This fight featured two bots that just didn’t work at all in their first bout. The big question here was: Would Extinguisher be able to absorb a few blows to send Gigabyte’s full-body spinner flying into the wall and let it knock itself out?
The answer was a resounding “no.”
Extinguisher’s drive didn’t seem quite right, and the lack of mobility allowed Gigabyte to get to the center of the arena and pick its spots. The first couple of hits didn’t seem to do much, but the third bent Extinguisher’s hammer into an unrecognizable shape, ending any hope the fire engine-themed bot had of using its weapon.
It didn’t matter, though, as it something had been knocked loose inside it and it just sort of stopped moving while Gigabyte was hovering menacingly on the off chance Extinguisher got it back together.
Winner: Gigabyte (Knockout)
Fight 3: Slap Box v. Sharko
Another battle of 0-1 bots, this turned out to be a hell of a fight. Slap Box came in 0-1, but losing to Tombstone in your debut fight is nothing to be ashamed of and it held up better than anyone expected. Sharko lost a decision to Smee(etc.) in a really lousy fight between two bots that didn’t really have any way to hurt each other.
I’m not 100% sure what Sharko’s weapon can do. It’s a “biter,” a control bot, with the nose raised, but I think it’s also meant to flip the other bot by raising its nose. It can also spin tremendously fast and whip its tail, which isn’t terribly effective, but it looks cool. Anyway, we got see Sharko get an early “bite” on Slap Box and drive it around the arena a little without doing any real damage.
Sharko clamped down for a second time, this time grabbing Slap Box’s flipping arm, and Slap Box just lifted the arm and carried Sharko around before delivering a suplex. Again, it wasn’t tremendously damaging, but it was really cool to watch.
Sharko’s motor gave out and Slap Box got the well-deserved win by KO. Sharko captain and driver Ed Robinson immediately came over to congratulate team Slap Box on their first win and the suplex, demonstrating the kind of “love of the sport over just winning and losing” that you love to see.
Winner: Slap Box (Knockout)
Fight 4: Madcatter v. Malice
This was the fight I was looking forward to the most, as both bots came in at 2-0 and both, particularly Madcatter, had moments of looking like real contenders against all my expectations. Malice was still more about potential as its terrifying weapon hadn’t really been brought to bear.
Madcatter went with their flipper configuration instead of the vertical spinner, which was probably a good idea as I don’t think it would have survived contact with Malice’s horizontal drum. They set up as a flipper for this one, and it turned out to a better call than they could have anticipated.
The opening exchanges were all Madcatter as its superior mobility allowed it to get to the side of Malice and send Malice flying. Then, just like with Red Devil a few years back, Malice got knocked up into the air and it landed on it’s backside with no wheels touching the ground.
Madcatter was content to let its opponent struggle to right itself and the judge counted Malice out. It was a little disappointing to see the fight end this way, but you couldn’t really argue with Madcatter taking advantage of the fact that their foe couldn’t right itself.
Winner: Maddcatter (Knockout)
Fight 5: Atom #94 v. Tantrum
Yet another matchup of 0-1 bots, both of whom were the architects of their own demise in the first fight. Atom #94 couldn’t drive at all against Big Dill, and Tantrum’s batteries ran out too early in their first fight. The Atom #94 team felt they’d solved their drive problem, and Tantrum showed up without its signature fists but with more batteries, which was a good tradeoff.
Atom #94 still looked sluggish, but it got the first hit of the fight, knocking tantrum across the box. But, sluggish is not a good thing to be against a bot as quick as Tantrum and the little angry orange bot’s weapon was working for a change (and sounding eerily like Minotaur’s drum), and pretty soon it was Atom #94 that was being sent flying.
Tantrum finally got it’s first win as Atom #94’s drive gave out. Honestly, it was probably for the best that they stopped working as Tantrum was sitting right next to them with their weapon fully spun up. It was nice to see this fan favorite get a win and in such convincing fashion as well.
Winner: Tantrum (Knockout)
Fight 6: Pain Train v. Smeeee(etc.)
Pain Train came into this one at 0-1 after failing to move at all in their fight (dammit, I should have said “after the train failed to leave the station…gotta work on that). Smee(etc.) won a very unconvincing fight against Sharko so it was 1-0 but there was no real sense of whether or not the gimmick would work. The gimmick, for those of you just joining us, is that Smee(etc.) is a 14’ wide bot with small spinning bars on each. The idea is that other bots will get enveloped by the articulated center wedge, leaving the bars to attack their wheels.
This was not a classic fight. Pain Train struggled to move, and Smee(etc.) just always looks like it’s struggling whether it is or not. Pain Train did manage to tear off some of the plastic letters on the armored wedge before finally showing just enough control to get to Smee(etc.)’s right side and tear off one of the spinning bars.
Smee(etc.) then managed to go weapon to weapon against Pain Train and Pain Train’s weapon just fell off. It was now a somewhat-mobile push bot against whatever the hell Smee(etc.) is. There was some contact over the last minute, but no damage whatsoever. The judges gave the win to Pain Train which might have been mildly controversial if either of these bots were contenders.
Winner: Pain Train (Split decision)
Fight 7: Uppercut v. Sawblaze
Ah, the main event! And what a narrative, too. Uppercut’s Alex Hattori spent time as a member of Jamisonn Go’s Sawblaze team. Both bots came in at 1-0, although the wins were of vastly different quality opponents. Sawblaze absolutely took Whiplash apart in their first match which is no mean feat. Uppercut beat Gemini in their first fight, which can be pretty much taken for granted, but the speed and ease with which they did so was terrifying.
This always looked like it was going to come down to driving. If the bots’ weapons went head to head, Uppercut had a huge advantage. But, if Sawblaze could outflank the unwieldy Uppercut, Sawblaze would probably take the W. What happened, then, was not what anyone expected. Sawblaze had a momentary lapse of concentration and exposed its side to Uppercut. Moments later, Sawblaze was bouncing off the lexan walls of the arena.
The blow seemed to rob Sawblaze of its mobility, and without the ability to outmaneuver its opponent, Sawblaze was a sitting duck. In an incredible moment, Uppercut managed to hit Sawblaze’s fuel tank for their flamethrowing and…boom! Explosion! Uppercut landed blow after blow and it was over very quickly. Uppercut did to Sawblaze what Sawblaze did to Whiplash and I’m not sure anyone expected such a decisive KO in this one.
Winner: Uppercut (Knockout)
And that’s that for episode 6. A lot of good fights and one absolutely legendary one. If you watch only episode this season, I strongly recommend you make it this one.